I’ve had a song stuck in my head all day. We all experience this issue every once in a while where a song that we kind of know the words to runs through our mind non-stop. You sing the words that you know and make up others along the way, humming the tune until you want to stick your hand into your ear and attempt to manually extract the song from your head. Today, for me, that song is Something’s Gotta Give by Christian Kane. However, I’m okay with the tune in my head. In fact, I think it should take off its shoes, put up its feet and stick around for awhile.
Let me first start off with a confession/disclaimer. Anyone who knows me is aware of the fact that when I find something I really like, I will obsess over it for a bit. Now, I’m not a stalker, I don’t do anything illegal (I’m too neurotic for that), and I don’t bother anyone. But when I find something that I enjoy, I will immerse myself in it. My husband says that I have an addictive personality. I respectfully disagree with his assessment. I like to categorize my obsessive spurts as me showing my appreciation for something that may, or may not, be worth appreciating.
For example, when I was a kid, we’re talking elementary school age, I loved the movie The Three Amigos. I watched it over and over again, which was hard to do back in the era before DVRs and DVDs. I watched the movie so many times in such a short period that my mother decided to hide the video tape from me so I couldn’t watch it anymore. I can’t explain why I loved that movie so much, but I know that something about it made me happy, and I wanted to experience that feeling as many times as I could.
Why am I telling you this extremely embarrassing story? Because old habits die hard. I’m almost 31 years old, and here I am, slightly obsessing over this song. I play it on repeat, listening to it over and over again, finding comfort in the lyrics. It’s as if the words describe everything I feel right now. Not the part about working blue-collar jobs in Texas, it is a country song after all. No, it’s the overall message that we shouldn’t sit idly by and watch our lives and dreams go by that strikes a sharp chord with me. Right now, I feel as if I am nailed to my office walls, looking out my window at all of the possibilities that await me, yet I remain immobile. I could be a lawyer, a baker…a candlestick maker. I could be anything. That thought in and of itself is overwhelming. But mix that it with indecision and fear of change, and I’m sitting on that fence right next to Christian Kane, mourning the hole in my favorite boots.
After reading my first entry, one of my girlfriends brought up a very interesting point. She said that we spend so much time working toward things when we’re young that we think once we achieve certain goals: a career, a marriage, kids etc., we’ll be happy. Then she said that it’s not necessarily about achieving the goals we set, it’s about being happy on the journey. A good point, one that I definitely need to be reminded of from time to time; however, it is a point that is easier said than done. It can be hard to enjoy the journey when we face so much uncertainty in who we are, where we are going and what we want in life.
We’ve been told our whole lives we can do anything we put our minds to. That’s one of the hardest about being this age. When we were younger it was so easy to dream about who we wanted to be and what kind of impact we would have as an adult. But then we grow up and realize that not everyone can be Chief Justice of the United States Supreme Court or win an Academy Award. The time comes to decide between going for your dreams or accepting your fate and settling for stability and a two car garage. So what do we do ? Do we stay on course and hope our dreams will happen, or do we make a change and try something completely different to see if that will make us happier? Is it better to be unsatisfied sticking to what we know? Or should we enter unfamiliar territory and completely change our original life plan?
Unfortunately, these are not easy questions to answer. They only become harder when we realize that we are too old to be young and too young to be old. So we struggle with our uncertain status in society, trying to wade our way through the deep end of the kiddie pool and figure out what and who we are supposed to be in this world. We also have to get over ourselves, changing attitudes and habits we have developed during our journeys over the last thirty-something years. A very hard obstacle to overcome. As the song in my head says, “it’s hard to turn a wrench on a rusty bolt.” And I totally agree with that, clearly as I am a creature of very weird and old habits. Then again, maybe it’s time we spray some WD-40 on the damn thing and give it a good hard twist.
This is something I struggle with everyday, trying to decide what my next move will be. But for now, I’ll just hit repeat on my iTunes and listen to the song again.